I’m so tired-
I don’t want to be here-
I want to leave-
Help me-
I don’t want to think anymore-
The cold tile of the shower bruises his ankles, his awkward position leaving them pinned under his own body weight. The water, a discomforting lukewarm, pours down over his body, hiding the deluge of tears falling down his cheeks. The constant hiss hides the choked sobs that he’s struggling to keep in, his hands not enough to stop them from escaping into the air.
Anxiety attacks have become normal over the past few months. Naturally, they’re held in secret so as to ‘not risk the strong image and quiet edge’ that Haru holds on the competitive world- quoth Ryuuji. Right now, it’s only his mental and emotional agony, but it’s only a matter of time; if he keeps pushing it with his current, more aggressive form, he’s going to get hurt, and then he’ll have to hide that pain too.
But it doesn’t matter to anyone else.
How could it when he’s ‘Haru’?
All that matters is that he wins, just like tonight. He goes out there, he swims, he wins, and he’s praised. Everyone ‘loves’ Haru, everyone wants to be his rival, everyone wants to swim ‘just like him’.
It’s sickening.
Just leave me alone!
The worst part about tonight’s attack is the intensity of the trigger. He hates being in the water these days, how unsafe it feels. What used to feel so alive, so fun; what used to cradle him and allow him absolute freedom now drowns him in stomach-churning pressure and repulsive pollution. That last chance he had to feel safe in the water had turned his back on him.
‘It doesn’t concern me.’
A wave of nausea leaves Haru’s head spinning, and he shakes it empty of the red head and the miserable expression on his face. The truth of it all was that it hurt to see Rin in the lane next to him. He’d known that this competition was coming and had plenty of time to prepare for it. The face that used to be his driving force in every race was pushed out of his mind by brute force every practice, silenced the consequential backlash of raw pain. He’d even managed to stand there, emotionless, and expressionless, making sure there’d be no reason to approach. All that, and yet the moment he hit the showers, he collapsed under the immense weight of it all.
He’s so tired of feeling things.
For a moment, the revelation seems like it’s unlocked his ability to calm down- he might have cried just about every tear he could. His breathing has slowed from hyperventilation to a steady in and out, chest a little lighter-
“Haru?”
A veritable tsunami of emotions overcomes Haru at the familiar voice. Heart pounding painfully, tears welling up so much he’s blind, Haru begins to bawl, his head collapsing into the shower wall.
“No, please don’t. Not you. I can’t take this right now,” he sobs, knees curling. My heart can’t take it anymore, please don’t start.
(He’ll never know how heartbroken Rin is, seeing Haru brought this low and knowing its his own fault. Watching the way Haru swam- aggressive, yet lifeless. Seeking to escape the water, rather than seeking escape within the water. He might be too late to bring the shine back to those glazed over eyes, but he prays, prays, prays that he’s not.)
A gentle hand lands on Haru’s arm, pleading with him to help, but Haru caustically tosses it away.
“Haru, you’re freezing-”
“No! Don’t touch me!” Possessed with panic, Haru flails wildly at the other man, torn between scaring Rin away and desperately wanting him to stay. Loneliness and misery saturate his screams. Rin doesn’t move, allowing Haru to weakly strike out at him, only crying silently. Finally, a drained Haru slumps into Rin’s arms, so high-strung that all he can do is whimper. Cradling Haru’s head into his chest, Rin quietly apologizes. Haru can hardly understand what he’s saying (‘shining’? what? what’s that?), but he can’t bother himself to care anymore.
“I want to leave,” he mutters mindlessly. I don’t want to be here anymore.
“Do you want me to get you out of here?”
I don’t care anymore.
When Haru offers a defeated nod, Rin moves to turn off the water. He pauses when a shaky, desperate grip claws into his shirt, then lifts Haru up off the cold ground entirely.
Haru is bundled up in soft blankets on Rin’s plush couch, legs spread out on the lounge extension, only his hands free for a warm mug of half drank chamomile ginger tea. His swollen eyes are bright red, skin blotchy, but it’s the most secure he’s felt all night. Unfortunately, because he’s no longer catatonic, he has time to process everything that’s happened.
All memories of the stadium after Rin lifted him into his warm, strong arms are a blur. Rin had somehow managed to get him out of the gym shower, dried and dressed, out of the stadium, and away from everyone else. The sky lights flashed in the night as he leaned his head against the car window, shivering despite the heat that Rin kindly turned on. He’d brought him to his own home, run him a hot bath, and even helped him get into the tub. His soul was so exhausted by then that he couldn’t even find any shame to be embarrassed that he was fully naked in front of Rin.
He did note that it was the longest he’d soaked in the tub in a while.
An approaching noise makes him stiffly turn to Rin, who is freshly showered and still peering at him with concern. He curls his legs out of the way, unintentionally flinching.
“Do your legs still hurt from the ground? I could- I could massage them if you want…” His voice trails off a little at the end, face a little red.
Whatever. “Okay.”
It’s harder to play nonchalant when long fingers tentatively press into his feet, becoming more confident as they find the knots and press them out. By the time they reach his calves, Haru’s realizing just how stiff his body really was. It also helps to focus on the touch, because the entire time, Rin has been murmuring things to him in a low voice, things that he’s afraid to hear.
He relaxes much more than he intends to, because when Rin falters, Haru twitches in concern. Rin’s hands lay at his mid-thigh, and Haru finally remembers a little shame.
“My shoulders next,” he mumbles, tossing the blankets dramatically to hopefully distract from the redness he feels burning on his cheeks. With a small grateful smile, Rin moves to his shoulders. Once more, Haru relaxes into the touch.
It’s all I ever wanted, this touch-
I wanted to be this close-
But I can’t be-
Because we can’t be-
Suddenly, Rin lets him go and falls to his knees in front of the couch.
“What’s wrong, Haru? Did I hurt you? Why are you crying?”
Crying. That would explain that renewed searing in his eyes. Sniffing, Haru gestures weakly around him. Why did you do any of this, he wants to ask. Why, if you’re going to leave me again?
Why did I let you take care of me?
Instead, his tongue swells as stops him from pushing out the words he really ought to say. Haru just wants to bask in this touch that he has yearned for in the deepest of his dreams and desires, even if it’s temporary. Damn Rin for always making things difficult.
“Haru?” Rin looks extremely nervous, but he also looks determined, holding Haru’s gaze, and alarm bells go off in his mind. This is that look, the one when Rin is about to say something that’s going to put him in pain.
“I know it’ll take more than one conversation, and I’ll let you scream and shout at me as much as you need to. But earlier tonight I was looking for you because I wanted to talk. I wanted to tell you that I really regret how things went between us that night. I was wrong, Haru. I was wrong to do it like that, and that I should have stayed by your side and I’ve always wanted to be by your side. And I’ll do anything I need to do in order to prove that to you.”
Haru’s head rolls back like it felt impact. When Rin says nothing else, waiting for him to respond, he shakes his head in disbelief. The utter audacity.
“Don’t,” he hisses. “Don’t lie to me right now. I can’t.” Just let me have this moment and then I’ll go.
When Rin continues to give him that look, he pushes at Rin’s shoulders. In response, Rin grasps his hands tightly.
“I’m not lying to you. I mean it. I’ve had a lot of time to think about this and how I messed up. I see how much pain you’re in right now, and I know how much I’m asking-”
“Do you?! Do you know how much pain I’m in?!”
He knows that Rin is trying- someone must have talked some sense into him, or maybe he’d had a change of heart. But right now, every unaddressed emotion he felt when Rin told him he was leaving comes rushing back to the surface.
“Haru!”
“You don’t care about me! It’s always been about your damned career, every time!”
“It hasn’t- that is, I was trying to-”
“No!” Furious, Haru shoots up from the couch. “My will, my heart is broken, and I can’t even find the pieces to put it back together because you take some every time you leave, and I don’t have the strength anymore to deal wi-”
The rest of his words are cut off, his lips sealed in a sudden kiss. At first, Haru stiffens, but when he opens his mouth to protest, Rin only deepens it, tilting their heads. Warmth spreads through Haru, and he melts into the kiss, sighing a little.
“You said you’d let me talk, damn liar,” he murmurs, offense stuffed to the back of his mind. When Rin finally moves back, he sees the stunned eyes staring at him, and he flushes.
“I- I’m-”
Haru surges back in for another kiss, only pulling away to say “Don’t.” He doesn’t want to hear Rin apologizing for something like this, even if it’s just in this moment, even if it’s not real. This is already going to hurt when they go their different ways, he doesn’t want to remember regret in Rin’s voice.
He shudders with pleasure when Rin pulls both their shirts off, those long fingers now massaging his shoulder blades and moving down to firmly grip the small of his back. They collapse backward onto the couch, intertwining limbs seeking any friction available. When Rin’s tongue finds one of Haru’s nipples, Haru can’t help the moan that slips out, nor the way that his hips buck forward. Rin, noticing this, slides even further down, slipping the shorts down and exposing Haru’s hardness to the air. Before Haru can say anything, Rin has lifted his legs onto his shoulders.
“Wait, Rin- ahh, oh my g-” Haru isn’t sure where Rin learned how to do this, how to move his tongue inside him in such a lascivious way, but it’s clear that he’s pinpointed on Haru’s pleasure. He only moves away to slip in a finger, causing Haru to jolt in shock.
“I’ve got you,” Rin quickly comments, wrapping his lips around Haru’s member and continuing the good work from before. It’s a bit overwhelming, and Haru mewls, squirming all over. He can’t get any purchase using his legs, so he just squeezes deathly tight to the couch, clenching tight around what is now two of Rin’s fingers. It’s only when Haru starts to thrust upward, soon to climax, that Rin pulls away to lick up Haru’s chest and connect their lips once more.
When Rin finally pushes inside, they both gasp from how tight the fit really is.
“Wait, shit, wait,” Rin breathes, pausing to brace himself on both arms. “I meant to say this earlier, and I got kinda carried away.”
“Rin-”
“Haru, you’re right. I’ve been selfish. I took all those pieces of your heart and I held onto them like a coward, afraid to what would happen if I asked for it all when I thought I didn’t deserve it. But I’m here now, I have the strength, and I’m begging you- let me prove that I’m worthy of putting it back together. Of putting us back together.”
The most painful part is, Haru wants to believe him. He wants to believe that all of his suffering could somehow end with such pretty words, but he’s held that faith before and watched it shatter with a couple inconsiderate sentences. And right now, his body is taut like strained rope. He feels every inch of Rin on top of his and inside him, and all his common sense wants to do is jump out the window. Not whatever this is.
“You’re going to ask this me now? Why do you always have such shit timing?”
Rin has the decency to look ashamed, but when he goes to pull out, Haru kicks a leg around him and pulls him back in, impact making them both moan.
“Shit, Haru, you feel so good,” Rin gasps. “Fuck. I’m so confused right now.”
You?! How do you think I always feel?! “Fine. You want me to trust you? Don’t leave me again. Don’t make terrible decisions for the both of us on your own anymore.”
For good measure, he grabs Rin’s face.
“Stop trying to earn me and try to love me instead.”
He can’t turn far, but Haru pouts and looks to his side to avoid looking at the way grateful tears well up in Rin’s eyes, and to hide the happiness he himself feels at this development.
“Thank you.”
Rin slowly rolls his hips, the thrust immediately hitting home and forcing Haru to gasp with pleasure. The slow, luxurious pace he keeps up is at odds with how fervently he whispers in Haru’s ears.
“You’re right. I’m going to love you. I love you. I’m never going to stop loving you, you’ll see. I’m going to be right here; you can have every part of me.”
While the words are balm to Haru’s soul, his loins burn with something a little more impatient. “Mmm… Rin… please… I want more…”
“You want more from me? Tell me. Tell me what you want, Haru.”
“Faster… fuck me faster, Rin, please-”
Face red with jubilation and pleasure, Rin speeds his pace up, relishing in the way Haru’s keening grows louder and higher. With a few strokes and a choked cry, Haru spills into Rin’s hand and on his chest. Rin isn’t far behind with the way Haru clenches around him.
Haru, Haru, Haru…
If he was being honest, Haru was tired of people knowing his name, because whenever they did, it was inevitably followed by some sort of expectation.
But this- the way Rin spoke his name like a heartbeat, the way his back slid up the shower wall with every impact of Rin’s hips- was like being worshipped in a way he’d never realized he’d want.
Then again, this was Rin. This is the only person he’d ever wanted to fill him like this, to love him like this. The warmth of his skin, the breathy gasps in between each call, the way he’s being held so tightly- it’s all so much that Haru thinks he might be in the middle of his fantasies. Perhaps he drowned, because there’s no way that everything in his life led to pleasure like this.
“Haru, you in there?”
Broken from his reverie, Haru looks at Rin, whose expression is torn between confusion, concern, and mild offense.
“I’m okay.”
Rin pouts, putting his legs down and searching Haru’s face for any sign of deception. “You just went a bit unresponsive there for a second.”
Scoffing, Haru turns around. “Maybe you should go harder.”
It’s a little harsh of a tease, so Haru’s genuinely surprised when Rin uses one hand to press him to the tile and another to push back into him.
“All you had to do was tell me,” Rin quips, delighting in Haru’s light whimpers at the new position. When he picks back up he thrusts much faster, Haru can’t help but shiver with delight. It’s made even better by the fact that Rin is now firmly holding the back of his neck, an experience that he’s certainly going to catalogue for later.
“Let me know it’s good, Haru, please,” Rin begs, voice taut- he’s close. Heaving for breath, Haru doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know if he should just moan louder, so he opens his mouth, and-
Rin.
Rin, Rin-
Rin, Rin, Rin, Rin-
He cries Rin’s name over and over until they’re both overcome and climax, collapsing back into the water. It’s by far the better of his two shower experiences tonight.
Despite the slower couch sex and rough shower sex, Rin was still full of energy and determined to explain himself, and Haru was sated enough to listen. So, after a second (and successful!) shower, Rin takes Haru out to the pool, sitting him in one of the lounge chairs. He figured that it was the perfect place to speak. The moon glows over the well-lit pool; it’s a beautiful, peaceful scene, so it saddens Rin when Haru seems completely uninterested, even averse to the presence of the water.
“The water is no longer free, so I don’t get in if I don’t have to. It’s dying.”
The light that had come back to Haru’s eyes over the night dimmed once more. Undaunted, Rin strips naked of his pajamas and jumps into the water. He wades around for a moment, allowing the water to reach just high enough to cover his bottom half.
“You know, as a kid, I had to write a report,” Rin starts. “It was a silly little report, but I remember speaking about someone that I really cared about. He had these bright eyes, beautiful as the ocean that they shined at whenever he saw it. I called him my ‘shining’.”
Haru flushes, looking down. “So what?”
Rin gently holds out a hand, tempting Haru forward.
“Come with me, Shining. The water isn’t dying, it just needs a little help. Let’s heal the water together, okay?”
Ignoring the quiver in his lip, Haru tensely creeps closer to the water. He shivers at the undercurrent of pollution that he senses. Rin takes his hand, kissing his palm, then up his arm, and then draws Haru into his arms.
“I’m right here, just trust me.”
Haru does. It feels foolish and flies right in the face of every anxiety he’s felt for the past few months, but he does.
“Look, see? You did it! It’s a start, right?”
Haru opens his eyes- he hadn’t even realized he had closed them- and is standing up to his waist in the water, held firmly in Rin’s arms. Shocked, he looks up at the bright, proud, moonlit smile Rin gives him. As Haru looks around him, it’s as if the pollution he’s long sensed is gone- for the first time in a long time, the entire pool shines with nothing but moonlight, freedom, and love.
A genuine smile spreads on Haru’s face, his knees near giving out with relief. He wraps his arms around Rin’s neck, drawing him in for a long kiss.
“There he is,” Rin happily murmurs, and Haru chuckles. “Go ahead. I’ll be right over here.”
Grinning, Haru steps back, take a deep breath, and descends into the long-missed embrace of the water.